Tag Archives: alone

Communications

1 Jun

I need to write,

To wring out my day’s thoughts and feelings.

I wish I could communicate,

With people rather than a page.

 

I wish I could communicate.

Arguing politics or religion,

Debating mayo versus Miracle Whip,

Giving my honest opinions on the assets and faults of my favorite football team.

 

I wish I could get people to laugh and feel humor in return.

To tell someone a joke and feel proud when they laugh that I told it right.

To get a giggle and smile from someone having an otherwise bad day.

And to belly laugh in front of others without worry that the joke was at my expense.

 

But I don’t communicate because I am a chronic mis-reader of people.

I keep my opinions to me for fear of judgement from others.

Better to sit here with my non-judgmental paper and pen.

Better to keep things to myself, to just nod and smile.

Better to do that than to have it confirmed that no one cares at all.

 

I want to converse and communicate and be heard.

To not feel alone in a room full of people.

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So I guess I will blog about it…

27 Dec

I have met some new people on Facebook lately who are very open about their struggles with mental illness and I guess it has inspired me to be a bit more open. The last year of my life has been up and down to say the least. I lost both my Grandma and my Uncle. And right before the holidays this year we had to not only put down one of our family dogs but also my very own furry baby dog Primo. I had never had to be the one to make the decision to put a dog to sleep before. And my relationship with Primo was so special. For the last twelve years she became one of my best friends. She was the one thing that was mine completely and mine to take care of or spoil how I saw fit. When I cried she climbed in my lap and gave me kisses. And with my constant insomnia she learned to stay awake when I was awake and sleep when I slept. She was the one being I could tell every single crazy thought I had to and she never judged me for it. She was the one constant being I could vent completely to. And now that she is gone, I am lost. I don’t have the money for another dog right now. Not even an adoption or rescue dog is in my price range. So my loneliness gets the better of me more often than not these days.

But back to my mental illness…I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and also with social anxiety disorder. In the past my social anxiety has  gotten so bad that I had developed full-blown agoraphobia. And now it has come back. It is hard to feel like you have back slid into something you thought you had conquered. I haven’t driven myself anywhere but once this month. I can’t even walk to the end of my driveway to get the mail. The fear I feel about the world outside my windows is indescribable. And it is not one thing I can pin point being afraid of but an overwhelming myriad of things. So once again the doctors are monkeying around with the medication I take to try to help me. But I end up feeling like such a guinea pig or lab rat in the process.  And it isn’t at all embarrassing to be 32 years old and need to have someone go with me whenever I leave the house.

And I have come to realize how much my dog helped me with these feelings too. I always knew I had someone at home waiting for me. So excited to see me whether I was gone for 10 minutes or 10 hours. But also I went outside with her. I took her all around the yard for walks. And where people knew me, they would let me bring her with me. And she loved car rides so much. For such a little dog she impacted my world so much.

So my grief is getting the better of me right now. And my anxiety. And the side effects from the meds they are giving me to try to help me with those other things. Honestly I just wish they could prescribe me a new puppy because I think that might help the most. Not that any dog would be like her. But I wish I had a new dog to get to know and love and take care of. And maybe just maybe one that might take care of me a little.

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